Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Stuff I Don't Like to Think About

like the manner in which I lost an incredible job when I was 22 because I was losing my mind during my divorce...

or embarrassing moments that haunt me forever...

But today it's got to do with pregnancy. And why not? That's my life right now. I feel like I'm sinking again into this oblivion that is so familiar to me. No, not depression this time...yet. Although it's close.

When I got pregnant last time, I had so many people that were so excited for me. Friends, neighbors etc (I lived in that bungalow from yesterday's post) couldn't wait to be part of my "new life" being a mom. But as a person without kids, my life was pretty different from what it became as a mother (of SP, that is).

First of all, my life turned upside down. I mean literally. I can only explain it in terms I can understand but probably lots of 1st time moms get it. I felt like a different person. My social life was not the same again for a really long time. And in that time, I would get mad at people for calling because it would wake my fussy baby. I also wouldn't go outside because she'd cry and it made me so anxious so all my neighbor friends wondered what had happened to me and didn't get what was happening. I was anxious and depressed beyond any reasonable explanation.

I lost several friends during this time because I changed so much.

And I wasn't necessarily worried about having another child and how I would function until this pregnancy threw me so much for a loop! I can't get my crap together! I run out of milk. I sleep all of the time. My laundry's never done. My pool is out of water. I don't exercise, at all! I don't care if I don't say my prayers. My flowers are dying. I can't make dinner. I'm apathetic about everything! I'm losing my resolve to stay interested in anything and yet my tasks spread out before me and I am panicking. DH would say to stop worrying but he never takes me too seriously.

All I can hope is that it will get better. But if things go the way they're going, just like they did last time I worry about the next year. I know it's worth it but I lose so my of my identity, and then friends, that that depression that always lurks beneath the surface seems too awfully close for comfort. I'm sort of freaking out in my apathetic way.

Sorry guys. This is one of those posts I was warning you about. I just can't seem to be "up" - I struggle with that sometimes even when I'm not preggo. I wanted to put this out there for my friends who undoubtedly understand but I worry about it anyway. I'm still here somewhere but it may be a long time before you see the real me again. It makes me sad.

12 backward glances:

Joy said...

**HUGS** As someone who's never been pregnant, it's sometimes hard to fathom that my friends just change overnight and y'know -- not call, not "care"... and it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that my friends who are expecting or have kids simply do not care. However, there are times when these friends do open up about their situation, how they are, how they're feeling and what they need. I think that other people would be more understanding, and even helpful. I've found ways to help them so that we get to see each other, and also relieve them of their stresses about their daily lives.

It's great that you're sharing this with us! I hope you're letting those close to you know about it, too.

Amy said...

joy thanks! you know what? your statement of "...simply do not care". you're on the mark - and I'd probably care more if I had any energy TO care. that's what i mean. i just don't even have the energy to care about what I should be caring about. but now i'm just whining so ignore me!

maybe if DH will make me some of your chicken, i'll feel better :)

Katie said...

Not to frustrate you- but two kids is a lot of work. However, in order to not get depressed (which is very easy for me) I have learned I have to MAKE my self be involved- take them out(now three kids) and do stuff. When I hole up in my house things get worse. And, who cares if your kids are crying in public- if people have "normal" kids they understand and if they don't who needs them. Try to keep your chin up. This is a great time. It will go by quickly and then- you will have two kids and a busy life- and things will still go on.

Heidi Sue said...

I am sorry. It isn't a good feeling to feel that way. Hang in there. You are a strong person. You will overcome this.

Aislinn said...

Amy - I agree with Katie! Having kids is a tough thing - it changes you - it changes all of us. I know that I was fine after my first child but when #2 came it came with a lot of depression. I had a great friend who stuck by me. At one point she came to my house, loaded up my kids (2 at the time) and literally picked me up off of the couch and put me in her car. We drove to the park where she made me get on a swing and she pushed me until I was done crying. At the time I thought how she obviously didn't understand. But looking back I see that she was right - I needed to be out and to realize that my life will go on and that I needed to be well for my own sake. When you share these deep feelings with your friends, you allow them to help you - so thanks for sharing! You're strong and you have a lot of people who love you!!

Kimmie said...

Amy...I love you lots. You have always been someone I looked up to. From that first day that I heard you bare your testimony to today. Don't worry about things it is just part of being a mom, wife, sister, daughter, etc. Hang in there and please let me know if I can do anything. You were there for me, I would love to be there for you.

Rachel said...

Amy, this too shall pass. I spent the first three months trying to figure out how I could sneak into my bedroom and nap. I told you I stopped blogging on a regular basis because all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't exercise, I let Chad do ALL the cooking or we ate cereal. And you know, we all survived. No one complained that their laundry wasn't done, I just had to give myself a break mentally. You are used to having everything organized and controlled. Give yourself a little break, drop SP off at a friends and take that nap, Eat out and relax, you're going to be ok.

... To the Beat of My Own Drum said...

Hey bub,

Every pregnancy is different. If this feels the same than last, it's okay. Do not worry or fret.

If it would help deal with your fears of depression, maybe seek the help of your counselor.

It's okay to feel the way you do as far as chores and such. I will pray for you.

T

Lightening said...

{{{HUGS}}} Amy. I think you're being very hard on yourself. Did you know that the body works harder when you're asleep during pregnancy than most people's works when they're awake. A LOT is happening and it's important to be kind to yourself.

More {{{HUGS}}}. I really HATED being pregnant.

The Napier's said...

I know that feeling very well. I struggled so much being pregnant with Emma. First it was unplanned and second I barely knew my new husband at all.... I'd never wanted kids and so i went into a total down spiral. I dont know if you remember the things I struggled with, but I know what it feels like. And ANXIETY!!! Im the Queen of it!! But somehow, after Tyler came out and Emma took interest in him... it became different. I thought it was going to be the same as before... sleepless nights, worries about waking him, anxiety.... But you know what... He was different... He IS different and this one will be too. I had to change the way I thought about being a mom... STUFF HAPPENS...But it is a short time of life in the grand scale of things. I miss those days now, especially since I am apparently not having anymore... I hope in some way this helps, you know I love you and I care about you. Call me and we can chat when you have a down moment.... day or night, it doesnt matter to me, i will make myself available to you!

Tiffany said...

I've now been pregnant 6 times, and I think I've felt the exact same as you every single time...so not that it's a consellation, but to me at least, you're normal :) You are an amazing woman/mother/organizational diva/etc....you can't help but succeed an excel at everything you put your mind to. Luv ya!

Jessica said...

I loved this post, Amy. I loved your transparency. You are not alone, my friend! : ) Your feelings are so normal.