Thursday, January 29, 2009

Almost Time to Prune Roses

Sometime in mid-February, it is time to prune your roses! You might think this is too early but it's not. After pruning, it's time to start watering them abundantly so that they can get full growth in time to bloom profusely in May. Most types of roses should get cut back to where they're only about 18" - 2' above the ground.

I was once fortunate enough to live close by to a woman who was trained to prune roses by a Master Japanese Gardener. Each spring, she'd come over and supervise my pruning and I had beautiful roses those years and I learned a lot about what to do and what not to do.

I've neglected my roses here at this house badly. I have a lot of them - more than I've ever had and they line my front yard out by the street. I neglected them because they overwhelmed me by how neglected they'd already been for many years. They're more like a rose jungle rather than a rose garden. But I plan to do it this year - at least hope to do it. We'll see what the baby lets me get done whether she's still inside me or out.

There are a lot of good websites and tutorials on how to properly prune your roses to make them look like the beautiful rose bouquet they should resemble. Done right, there's hardly anything prettier when they bloom.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

We're Making Progress

Another good day:

  • laundry: check
  • chaotic rooms: check
  • clean kitchen: check
Again, got lots of other tasks done including take a snuggly little nap with my favorite 4-year old. I laid down for a few minutes and when I woke up a while later, there she was laying next to me blissfully in dreamland. Nothing better...nothing.

I didn't get anything done in the nursery again today but it's alright considering how much else I was able to do.

Now, I'm sitting here in my clean kitchen that smells like chocolate chip cookies that I made for DH who thinks he's died and gone to heaven every time I make them. Nothing makes him sweeter on me than cookies...go figure. I could say I made them for him for that very reaction but the truth is, obviously...I was craving the sugar. Big surprise.

I'm listening to SP and DH giggle as he gets her ready for bed. There's no better sound, the two of them enjoying each other. There's two people that truly love each other. I'm so lucky to be living under the same roof as them.

Not Long Now

Can I tell you how much I can't wait to start running again? Such a great feeling! I can almost feel my feet on the pavement!

That'll do wonders for my endorphins.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Today's Report

  • Laundry - check
  • Kitchen clean - check
  • Chaotic rooms - check
  • Nursery progress - not even a little bit of a check
But I worked today going on about 5 hours of sleep, and did a myriad of other things so I'm not going to beat myself up.

On a very happy note, my DH finally put a real door (as opposed to a stupid pocket door) on the bathroom in my bedroom. The pocket door was so freaking loud that in the middle of the night, unless I wanted to wake him up every single time I am up, I have been having to go down the hallway to use the bathroom which is probably not a huge deal except it's another 10 steps in my delirium and I might wake up SP who will inevitably want to come sleep with us - and that's just out, my friends.

So hello new beautiful door on my bathroom! And thank you DH for finally having mercy on me now that there's only 3 weeks left of this frequent nighttime peeing!

I'm exhausted guys. I am SO totally going lights out at 6:30 pm.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Let's Get Real

Am I a whiner or what? Tons of pregnant women have blogs and you never see them wallowing in self pity. I need to get control of myself!

Today is Sunday and while the sun isn't necessarily shining, I feel better after my purge last night so thank you for your indulgence on my sorry behalf.

I'm so happy today is church, as that is one place I can go and focus on something other than myself. I've said since I started going back to church 3 years ago that it is one of the most peaceful places I go and I'm so lucky I get to go there every single week. I know the "peaceful" part will be ending for a while as I'll have an infant to care for but there's still an element there that I cherish regardless of what hassle I might be dealing with. And SP has always been a dream through the meetings.

I'm going to set a few goals for myself this week as that always helps me change my perspective and help me feel I'm getting back on track.

1) Absolutely finish the nursery - top to bottom including getting all clothes washed, folded and put away

2) Spend 10 minutes in each chaotic room to bring peace back to those spaces

3) Do a full load of laundry every day (DH goes through SO MUCH laundry during the winter)

4) Make sure the kitchen is clean each night before I go to bed

There. Those are easy and shouldn't freak me out too much. Next Sunday I'll let you know how I did.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

24 Days and Counting

I'm not the only woman in the world to ever feel as miserable as I do right now. In fact, more women can probably relate to this than I can possibly imagine. And that does not comfort me sadly. I just want this DONE.

I'm finding no joy in anything I do lately. I can't be enthusiastic about anything (except sugar, and we've established that). I'm not sure if I'm falling off my cliff into depression or if I'm just so overwhelmed and stressed out that I've gone numb. Either way, I am devoid of passionate emotions and have lost interest in practically everything.

I've GOT to get that nursery finished though. I think that if the baby came today, she'd at least have a place to sleep and pretty much everything is in there - just a mess, just like every other stinkin' room in this house.

And then there's the financial chaos I'm undergoing right now. I haven't mentioned this before because it stresses me out so much I want to hide under my bed. DH split from the sinking boat that was his former company and has gone out on his own now. It's going okay - okay. But it's a poor economy...and winter and in his line of work, weather means a lot. I'm planning, and have been planning forever to quit my job when the baby comes. Will that be a possibility now? I don't know - and I hate the lack of knowing. Meantime, I'm working as much as humanly possible for being as pregnant as I am, and still having primary caregiving responsibilities for another child. I'm doing my best, and I'm sure it will help but I'm really ready to be done. I'll do what I have to do just and try to feel fortunate that I have the ability to help out right now.

In order to keep myself from slitting my wrists (okay, that was dramatic), I try to do things that I don't want to do. I did some scrapbooking today even though I had no desire. I bought a bookcase and went through all my books remembering how great they all are. I did a church lesson with my daughter and shared in her love of learning. I changed all the sheets on the beds in my house. I spend a few minutes a day in a chaotic room trying to make order. Little things, but they're all I can do. All I want to do.

Will I be even more depressed after the baby? This scares me. My friend Katie remarked that the key is to get out of the house and spend time with adults having good conversation. I know this is true. The hard part is just getting out of the house. I suppose I'll just have to force myself. I'm scared.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Pure Pleasure

I received a bird feeder for Christmas this year from my good friend Kelly. She made it from a gourd and I've been wanting one ever since she started making them about a year ago. She painted it to look like a pear! It's so cute.

As I was looking at the feeder today, I was reminded of James and the Giant Peach. It looks like a HUGE pear hanging from the tree and from a distance, looks quite delicious!

She convinced me to hang it from the tree on a limb right outside my kitchen window so I can watch the birds feed from it all winter. It was a little crazy getting it up that high into the tree (about15' off the ground) but I'm so glad I did. It took about 3 weeks for the birds to warm up to the feeder but the other day I spied my first bird in it and I was so happy! Now, lots of birds regularly flock to the feeder and it bounces and sways all day as birds are in and out of it. I even saw this huge bluejay, about 6 times, attempt unsuccessfully to sit on its ledge and eat from it. I was sort of glad he couldn't so he'd leave the food for the little tiny birds.

Thanks Kelly!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Mindless Chatter

I accidentally took a nap this evening on the couch waiting for SP's bedtime. I woke myself several times by snoring! WTH - I don't snore! I even heard DH tell SP, "Is your mom snoring?" I've been married too long to be mortified - I think I just rolled over (and maybe tooted too), just kidding.

Now, 2 hours later, I'm not tired in the least but sitting here on my bed in as little clothing as I can manage because that's what's comfortable at 35 weeks pregnant, staring at my balloon ankles and feeling hot. And bored.

I don't want to read although I have an excellent book sitting here beside me. I've got several great movies on my computer just waiting to be viewed, and my iPod is stuffed with lots of awesome novels. I could just close my eyes and listen - no effort at all. But no, all I can do is think about sugar.

I want white bread with real butter and sugar - rolled up into a glucose injection. Or brownies. I'd even take a few shots of powdered sugar right now. Or Karo Syrup - YUCK!

I'm thinking about tomorrow and what it will bring. I have 5 Saturdays left of productivity before SHE comes. So much still left to do. Time's flying by. I got a lot done this week already and know I don't have a single day to spare if I hope to have most of what I hope to have done, completed by Feb 18th. I know I should just relax and enjoy the time I have left but my inner freak is freaking out. I remember regretting the lazy days I took prior to SP's birth and how insane my life felt after she came. How I wished I had been more productive and gotten more accomplished because I'm a stress case and can't help it.

Maybe this is my mission on earth - to learn how to not drive myself crazy with high expectations and enjoy the passage of life instead. I think I'll be on earth for a very long time.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Crib's Up

Now that the painting is done in the nursery finally, DH spent part of yesterday putting up our crib. It's lonely right now in that dark room but it will soon be full of all sorts of baby paraphernalia as I bring it up from the storage room.

Today, as I frequently walked down the hall past that room, I'd catch a glimpse of a crib in a room where formerly there was lots of other stuff, and I have to do a double-take. I haven't seen that crib assembled in a room in nearly 3 years!

And to see it set up ready to be used was so surreal, I almost wasn't ready to see it there! I nearly had to close the door for a while until my mind wraps around what's coming so quickly. You'd think I have adjusted by now but I guess I'm still adjusting. Perhaps 9 months gestation is just the right amount of time!

Friday, January 9, 2009

A Little Panicky

We have a ritual around here at night. Most of you with kids probably do. But when the kid bedtime ritual ends, it's me time. Me - just me and either my computer, a movie, a book, my iPod or just bed. The point is, it's all my choice - whatever I choose to do with the remaining hours of the day, it's all mine.

I have 39 of these precious nights left before I make my little "deposit" and a crying infant disrupts nighttime bliss. Does it sound callous? Does it make me seem ungrateful for the desire of my heart? I am so excited for the birth of this kiddo if not just for the sheer relief to have my body back to myself. But I've prayed for this tiny girl for so long and she's almost here.

But let me be human for a moment while I lament saying good-bye for a year or so to consistent, uninterrupted alone time where I am guaranteed to be free from parental obligations for a period of 8 - 10 hours. I'm sure it's not going to be quite that long as I do remember feeling pretty confident in certain schedules by 6 or 7 months but getting to that point can be painful at times.

At least I'm not the attachment parenting type when it could be up to 5 or 6 years before I even get my child to sleep through the night in her own bed. I'd have pulled my hair out long before that ever happens.

Too selfish? Perhaps.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Facebook - The Good & the Bad

You know it's really bad when your belly's so big your laptop doesn't fit ON YOUR LAP anymore. I digress...

Facebook ...

I've been a member for a year or so now and would like to summarize my experiences because they are so varied!

When I first joined, it was a blogger thing. I just wanted another social network device and Facebook seemed like where it was at. No biggie - but soon I realized that people were contacting me - people I knew from long ago. But at first they were just people who contacted me regularly on various social networking engines over the years like, hotmail, IM etc.

But then I started getting contacts from other people, some whom I thought had literally dropped off the planet! Some of them I wish had dropped off the planet, others I was astonished that they remembered me, some - just mere acquaintances neither good nor bad, and them some others who I was so genuinely pleased to hear from that I felt like a kid again whenever I read their notes!

And so pretty much everyone falls into one of the above categories. But it's the ones that in the first and last category that have affected me the most. Most of these contacts are from my dreaded high school years and I've discussed those awful years before. Like many people, I had some serious identity and self-esteem issues. Couple those with poignant memories of certain people and it's a deadly combination.

Occasionally I will get in contact with someone who I have a difficult memory of, and the emotional roller coaster I go through for a time is bizarre! Is it better that I never got in contact at all? This has happened several times now! So, this is perhaps the downside of Facebook - having to face demons or memories you'd rather have buried and never deal with again.

On the other hand, I've also found Facebook to be a cleansing, purging experience. A way of reconciling and healing the past over issues you regret. Such an incident happened just today with a friend who I had a falling out with when I was 16 or 17 - over a guy of all things (Scooter was his name - funny). The whole thing is vivid color in my memory - the whole thing and I cringe each time I think of it. But today she said she hardly remembered it and forgave me and wanted to be friends again. There it was - 19 years of guilt and regret gone in an instant over the internet. Don't think I totally dwelled and was stuck on it because I'm an adult and was able to move past it, but I always wondered what would have happened if I hadn't been such a jerk that one time. And it was my fault. Who knows and who cares because now it's over.

That's cool stuff.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Mom's Food Trick

I'm here. I'm okay. I want to thank all of you who have emailed me to inquire if I'm alright. That was so kind of you. I'm not sure what's wrong with me other than I'm tired, grumpy, and miserable. But...I'm closing in on the big day and that's keeping me going.

The longer I've been away from my blog though, the harder I've found to return so I thought I'd just jump in. So much has happened that I've wanted to share with you but by the time I get around to it each day, I'm so tired I just go to bed.

So my jumping in point is the Mom's Food Trick I finally pulled on my daughter. She is so finicky and refuses to eat even the most benign foods. Tonight I made a fairly basic hamburger stew with potatoes, carrots, celery etc. After it was made, I knew she'd never eat it - she just won't eat those things. So I took several spoonfuls and threw them in the blender and pureed them. Then I poured them into a bowl, added some pieces of hamburger to it and gave it and a roll to her. Problem solved. She loved it - ate it all and had no idea she was actually eating dreaded potatoes and carrots!

There's probably something to that book that Jerry Seinfeld's wife wrote. Maybe I'll go pick it up!