Saturday, January 24, 2009

24 Days and Counting

I'm not the only woman in the world to ever feel as miserable as I do right now. In fact, more women can probably relate to this than I can possibly imagine. And that does not comfort me sadly. I just want this DONE.

I'm finding no joy in anything I do lately. I can't be enthusiastic about anything (except sugar, and we've established that). I'm not sure if I'm falling off my cliff into depression or if I'm just so overwhelmed and stressed out that I've gone numb. Either way, I am devoid of passionate emotions and have lost interest in practically everything.

I've GOT to get that nursery finished though. I think that if the baby came today, she'd at least have a place to sleep and pretty much everything is in there - just a mess, just like every other stinkin' room in this house.

And then there's the financial chaos I'm undergoing right now. I haven't mentioned this before because it stresses me out so much I want to hide under my bed. DH split from the sinking boat that was his former company and has gone out on his own now. It's going okay - okay. But it's a poor economy...and winter and in his line of work, weather means a lot. I'm planning, and have been planning forever to quit my job when the baby comes. Will that be a possibility now? I don't know - and I hate the lack of knowing. Meantime, I'm working as much as humanly possible for being as pregnant as I am, and still having primary caregiving responsibilities for another child. I'm doing my best, and I'm sure it will help but I'm really ready to be done. I'll do what I have to do just and try to feel fortunate that I have the ability to help out right now.

In order to keep myself from slitting my wrists (okay, that was dramatic), I try to do things that I don't want to do. I did some scrapbooking today even though I had no desire. I bought a bookcase and went through all my books remembering how great they all are. I did a church lesson with my daughter and shared in her love of learning. I changed all the sheets on the beds in my house. I spend a few minutes a day in a chaotic room trying to make order. Little things, but they're all I can do. All I want to do.

Will I be even more depressed after the baby? This scares me. My friend Katie remarked that the key is to get out of the house and spend time with adults having good conversation. I know this is true. The hard part is just getting out of the house. I suppose I'll just have to force myself. I'm scared.

7 backward glances:

Heidi Sue said...

Amy, I am sorry. I hope that things get better fast. Remember you have a lot of people who care about you and who want to see you happy. If you need anything I know that we would all be there for you.

Steve said...

Oh. This makes me sad! I hope you have a good group of friends and relatives around to help you out!!!

Tiffany said...

I second what Heidi says. You have SO many people who would do anything for you...all you have to do is say "boo" and we're there.

I know it's scary, and unknown, and very out-of-control feeling right now for you...but I promise promise won't feel like this forever. Life is a rollercoaster...not a plummet off a tall cliff. Things are just about to look up. Love ya!

Katie said...

Get your butt over here every day if you have too.

Regina said...

OMG!! Please, please, please, do me a favor...
1-GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! If only for an hour, a walk something! But I have seen so many pregnant and new mothers on the brink of a nervous breakdown or deep depression but you do not have to go there!
2-You need time with a few adults (preferably NOT family & NOT complainers) at least once a week.
You need quite time alone at least twice a week.
3-Pamper yourself at least once a week (get hair done, or nails, or toenails, anything for yourself) (if money is tight bake a batch of cookies and sell them)but get some you pamper time in.
4-And MOST IMPORTANTLY you need to get as much sleep as you can. Once the baby comes you will get almost surely NO SLEEP!

Take it from a mom of 5 who at one time came close of really considering putting a pillow over a crying child's mouth (Sleep deprivation, money issues, and screaming baby do not mix)

Also choose your lifeline calling number(the person you will call if things really get critical for you, sometimes just seeing the number and knowing you have someone to call really helps!) and post the number throughout the house, especially the nursery!
(God will walk you through this)

Mrs Furious said...

I don't know if you had ppd after your 1st or not... but just wanted to say that I suffered from terrible depression during both pregnancies but never had a moment of depression or baby blues or anything of the kind after giving birth. So don't worry too much about that right now. You might be fine once the baby comes!!

Janel@Dandelion Dayz said...

I hope you are feeling better soon. I think it is so great that you are writing it out here on your blog.

I was miserable during the first and last trimesters of both my pregnancies.

Hang in there.