24 Days and Counting

I'm not the only woman in the world to ever feel as miserable as I do right now. In fact, more women can probably relate to this than I can possibly imagine. And that does not comfort me sadly. I just want this DONE.

I'm finding no joy in anything I do lately. I can't be enthusiastic about anything (except sugar, and we've established that). I'm not sure if I'm falling off my cliff into depression or if I'm just so overwhelmed and stressed out that I've gone numb. Either way, I am devoid of passionate emotions and have lost interest in practically everything.

I've GOT to get that nursery finished though. I think that if the baby came today, she'd at least have a place to sleep and pretty much everything is in there - just a mess, just like every other stinkin' room in this house.

And then there's the financial chaos I'm undergoing right now. I haven't mentioned this before because it stresses me out so much I want to hide under my bed. DH split from the sinking boat that was his former company and has gone out on his own now. It's going okay - okay. But it's a poor economy...and winter and in his line of work, weather means a lot. I'm planning, and have been planning forever to quit my job when the baby comes. Will that be a possibility now? I don't know - and I hate the lack of knowing. Meantime, I'm working as much as humanly possible for being as pregnant as I am, and still having primary caregiving responsibilities for another child. I'm doing my best, and I'm sure it will help but I'm really ready to be done. I'll do what I have to do just and try to feel fortunate that I have the ability to help out right now.

In order to keep myself from slitting my wrists (okay, that was dramatic), I try to do things that I don't want to do. I did some scrapbooking today even though I had no desire. I bought a bookcase and went through all my books remembering how great they all are. I did a church lesson with my daughter and shared in her love of learning. I changed all the sheets on the beds in my house. I spend a few minutes a day in a chaotic room trying to make order. Little things, but they're all I can do. All I want to do.

Will I be even more depressed after the baby? This scares me. My friend Katie remarked that the key is to get out of the house and spend time with adults having good conversation. I know this is true. The hard part is just getting out of the house. I suppose I'll just have to force myself. I'm scared.