Sunday, May 17, 2009

I'm Ever Evolving

I have a friend who has many times, spoken to me of her "black soul" - a virtual quagmire of darkness (I'm putting words in her mouth but the feeling is the same). She says that her cheery disposition and friendly outer shell are merely a disguise for the evil lurking beneath. She's serious. And although I don't entirely believe her self-loathing observations and criticisms, I can understand where she's coming from.

I believe this about myself... I am selfish. Beyond anything you can imagine about me. If you know me, you probably aren't aware of how much I only think of myself. The only time it's not all about me is when it comes to my family...mainly my kids. But even in some of those cases it's all about me too. No lie. I am swimming a sea of unforgiveable selfishness. I honestly shouldn't even be allowed to have children, and sadly that's probably why God gave me children in the first place because I am less selfish than before they came along.

I know all of this sounds like a bunch of self-pity but it's not. It's self-reflection. It's a road to self-correction. I'm sick of me being like this. I'm 35 years old, not 16. Self-centeredness is a phase I never grew out of.

The other day I got thinking about a friend I've had for a really long time and how a number of years ago, her daughter got married. I recollect getting an invitation. That was so nice of her to invite me. Do you know what I did? I looked at the invitation...categorized the event as "too much trouble" (Bugs was probaby 2 or something and I'd of had to take her with me *oh no! - of all the horrid things!) and promptly filed the invitation in the "inconvenient" pile and forgot about it.

Years later, I think about that. I am so ashamed that I didn't even respond to the invite. Sent a gift, a letter, a note, made a phone call ...SOMETHING. But no, I didn't - Worst of all is that I do this type of thing all the freaking time! It's not occasional. I've missed baptisms, baby blessings, weddings, baby showers...all sorts of events that are important if not to me, than to someone. Important enough that the invited ME to commemorate the occasion with them, and all I could think of was that it was probably an "FYI" type of thing and consider it inconvenient for my life right now. I'm so embarrassed of myself.

My friends and family are too forgiving. They always forgive me and I love them for it. I'm going to change this. I'm not sure how, but I'm going to change this about me. Please pray for me. I have a long way to go.