I Can't Be Sure But...

I think I might actually be in the very first stages of labor. And, since it creeps up on me so slowly, I might be feeling exactly like this for a whole day.

It seems like last time I felt like this all day and finally went to the hospital at around 11pm but of course they sent me home because my progression is so slow.

Anyway, it's nice to know that my c-section isn't scheduled too soon and that the baby is actually ready to come out. In any case, I'll probably have the baby according to schedule tomorrow morning as planned.

But you never know...

Down to the Last Day

So, if you knew that your life was about to change monumentally, and that from this day forward the simplest tasks would become harder than you ever could imagine to complete, what would you do with that last day?

Most women don't usually know what day their lives will change - they go into labor when their bodies say so instead of "scheduling" it. Well, I guess this day and age, more women are getting to choose but for the most part it's sort of thrust at us. The baby comes when it wants to not when we want it to.

So I'm standing on the precipice of my last day functioning the way I'm used to. I have nothing planned for tomorrow. I worked my last day today. I am NOT planning to do housework or laundry other than the minimal amount. I'm probably not going anywhere since SP is still a little sicky. My mom is coming to give me a massage in the afternoon but other than that, nothing. So I have virtually the whole day to do...what? I don't know.

What would you do?

Great, Just Perfect

We've been relatively unaffected by the cold and flu season this year except for a brief bout early in November. I had a flu shot and perhaps consequently have remained perfectly healthy in that respect fortunately. I know being sick with the flu while pregnant is like stabbing oneself repeatedly in the eye with a steak knife.

However, SP woke this morning with a horrendous cough. And I thought, "now? -are you serious?"

I'm not used to being concerned about her ever making anyone else in the family sick (we're adults and can handle it better) - just the opposite. It's always a wage against the rest of the world so that SHE doesn't get sick. But I find myself fast-forwarding two days to when she's holding my brand new baby...and coughing all over her.

Ugh. At least I have a couple of days to try to get her better. I feel bad being mainly concerned for the new baby but hey, I've spent nearly 5 years being solely concerned about SP's health. I've seen too many RSV babies and it literally scares me to death!

p.s. I think it's time I picked a new bloggy name for SP. It just doesn't seem right anymore, does it? Ideas? Oh, and I'll need one for the baby too.

Body Stats

Just for kicks, I took my measurements today. Keep in mind my due date was yesterday. Do I enjoy torturing myself? I must.

Keeping track of my body stats is a slight compulsion of mine and I've been logging them on a spreadsheet for about 6 years. The last time I took my measurements was 3 days after I got pregnant so it's interesting to see how my body has changed this past 9 months. It's absolutely unreal how many inches this body has put on. One can only hope it's mainly water!

Since I don't plan to be pregnant ever again and currently weigh more than I have ever (or ever will again), it's interesting to see how "big" my body really is with all this baby & water weight. My feet alone, measured around the middle are 10"! My ankles are also measuring 10" around!

You want to see something funny? I swore I wouldn't share this but what the heck. It's hilarious! Can the real ankle please stand up?I can't wait to see my real ankles again, lol! (and my real waist, and belly, and knees, and neck, and....)

My Treehouse Treasures

A few days ago, I downloaded the whole Season 1 of Heroes. I've always wanted to watch it but missed the first few episodes in the very beginning and that always just messes me up with a TV mini-series. There's rarely a time in my life when I can get away with watching an entire series of a TV show in just a few days and fortunately, right now is one of them. It took me like 3 days to watch 18 episodes! And! - I just downloaded Season 2 - so here I go again (but this is only 11 episodes because of the writer's strike). That's where I've been.

Anyway...
I have lots of friends who often ask me who my source is for all of my vinyl lettering projects, of which I have a ton of them around my house for various seasons. And most of them have been custom requests - like I get a blank spot and think of something cute I want somewhere and I just make a phone call to my friend Jennifer of My Treehouse Treasures.

She recently got a website and an Etsy shop so I thought I'd share the wealth. I get no profit from this endorsement, I just think she is seriously awesome and know a lot of my friends would like in on my source.

Speaking of cute projects though, she has the cutest season signs that she does. I have one for nearly every single season AND holiday and if there's one that I want that she doesn't make, she'll create one. She's that cool. About a week or two ago, I did the Valentine's Day plaque (pic) but I have one for Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, St. Patricks (?, I think), and 4th of July (super cute) too. She charges $12 for these season/holiday kits which I think is really reasonable.

She also does wall art (like I've done in my nursery which I'll post), tiles and lots of other wood plaques, magnet boards, etc. Check out her sites!

The Latest Casualty

This is NOT my fault. It's Not! I promise.

I've done everything possible in my power over the past year to save the life of this clown fish who, I swear, is suicidal. And you know this! I've posted several times about the things I've done to protect his little life. But I'll recap it for you.

Shortly after we got the fish, the tiniest one came down with Ich - a disease that coats his little body with this fuzz. I quarantined him for like two months and finally healed him (little self pat on the back for me).

And then, well the actual tank and the filter are separated by a rather low wall and this little guy kept jumping over the wall into the filter where I'd spend literally an hour each time trying to fish (hehe, little play with words) him out and rescue him. He did this so many times that The Marshmallow told me just to leave him there until he died and floated to the top. Heartless - where's the Marshmallow now?

So to remedy that, I finally put some pieces of plastic over the top of the filter so that he couldn't jump up there anymore. That worked for a long time - like 6 months! Until yesterday.

I went in there to feed the guys and the little one was missing. No big surprise - last week he got himself stuck behind a rock and AGAIN, I had to save his miserable little life. I went in search of him. I had a bad feeling. I opened up the top and there he was - he had jumped up on top of the plastic and hadn't been able to flip himself down back into the water (something I was sure he'd be able to do should he find himself in that predicament. He was dead.

I'm done. I've lost 3 of 4 fish now not to mention all of the hermit crabs and snails that have come and gone. I'm surrounded in marine DEATH!

Each of those clown fish is like $25! SP wants me to buy another one so that the last one isn't lonely - I think not. I'm not a bank. I'm thinking the whole contraption should find a new home. I'm thinking Craigslist.

Another Week Gone

I'm down to 2 1/2 weeks. This week flew by - wow!

I did what I set down to do last Sunday. My nursery is by all intents and purposes...done. I have a chair that needs re-upholstering and with my friend Kelly's help this Wednesday, that will be done as well. I guess the nursery didn't turn out quite as awesome as I'd hoped but it's done and it will do. I sat in there for about 1/2 hour the night it was done, after SP's lights were out and I was alone. It was quiet and dark in the nursery and I imagined what it will be like to visit that room frequently in the night when I hear a baby cry. I look forward to those quiet moments alone with my second child.

We got back from Duchesne last night after an over-nighter. DH's older sister went through the LDS temple for the first time yesterday and invited me to go with her. It was a wonderful experience. I've never been in the Vernal temple and was amazed at how small but beautiful it is. It was a great session and I'm glad I was able to go.

This morning I meant to go to church but I woke up exhausted and I found that all of my church clothes felt like cinches around me especially my socks and shoes. For one day, I thought, I just can't force myself into these binding clothes! Besides I became even more exhausted with the thought of the meetings. I felt bad but decided I'd just stay home and rest.

I spent my afternoon watching an old movie and stitching patches onto SP's jeans. She is forever a kitty and is on her hands and knees all over the house tearing holes in the knees of her jeans. I cut out cute hearts from DH's old jeans and stitched them over the holes. They were cute even if it took me forever.

Later, I took a series of Photoshop tutorials so I can learn to make my own digital scrapbooking supplies. I learned a ton! I've no idea if I can actually make them work out but I'll try. It could be fun!

Sorry for the blah blah but that's my life, take it or leave it. Have a great week!

Almost Time to Prune Roses

Sometime in mid-February, it is time to prune your roses! You might think this is too early but it's not. After pruning, it's time to start watering them abundantly so that they can get full growth in time to bloom profusely in May. Most types of roses should get cut back to where they're only about 18" - 2' above the ground.

I was once fortunate enough to live close by to a woman who was trained to prune roses by a Master Japanese Gardener. Each spring, she'd come over and supervise my pruning and I had beautiful roses those years and I learned a lot about what to do and what not to do.

I've neglected my roses here at this house badly. I have a lot of them - more than I've ever had and they line my front yard out by the street. I neglected them because they overwhelmed me by how neglected they'd already been for many years. They're more like a rose jungle rather than a rose garden. But I plan to do it this year - at least hope to do it. We'll see what the baby lets me get done whether she's still inside me or out.

There are a lot of good websites and tutorials on how to properly prune your roses to make them look like the beautiful rose bouquet they should resemble. Done right, there's hardly anything prettier when they bloom.

To See Something Amusing Yet Humiliating

go here. And please be kind to me.

We're Making Progress

Another good day:

• laundry: check
• chaotic rooms: check
• clean kitchen: check

Again, got lots of other tasks done including take a snuggly little nap with my favorite 4-year old. I laid down for a few minutes and when I woke up a while later, there she was laying next to me blissfully in dreamland. Nothing better...nothing.

I didn't get anything done in the nursery again today but it's alright considering how much else I was able to do.

Now, I'm sitting here in my clean kitchen that smells like chocolate chip cookies that I made for DH who thinks he's died and gone to heaven every time I make them. Nothing makes him sweeter on me than cookies...go figure. I could say I made them for him for that very reaction but the truth is, obviously...I was craving the sugar. Big surprise.

I'm listening to SP and DH giggle as he gets her ready for bed. There's no better sound, the two of them enjoying each other. There's two people that truly love each other. I'm so lucky to be living under the same roof as them.

Not Long Now

Can I tell you how much I can't wait to start running again? Such a great feeling! I can almost feel my feet on the pavement!

That'll do wonders for my endorphins.

Today's Report

• Laundry - check
• Kitchen clean - check
• Chaotic rooms - check
• Nursery progress - not even a little bit of a check

But I worked today going on about 5 hours of sleep, and did a myriad of other things so I'm not going to beat myself up.

On a very happy note, my DH finally put a real door (as opposed to a stupid pocket door) on the bathroom in my bedroom. The pocket door was so freaking loud that in the middle of the night, unless I wanted to wake him up every single time I am up, I have been having to go down the hallway to use the bathroom which is probably not a huge deal except it's another 10 steps in my delirium and I might wake up SP who will inevitably want to come sleep with us - and that's just out, my friends.

So hello new beautiful door on my bathroom! And thank you DH for finally having mercy on me now that there's only 3 weeks left of this frequent nighttime peeing!

I'm exhausted guys. I am SO totally going lights out at 6:30 pm.

Let's Get Real

Am I a whiner or what? Tons of pregnant women have blogs and you never see them wallowing in self pity. I need to get control of myself!

Today is Sunday and while the sun isn't necessarily shining, I feel better after my purge last night so thank you for your indulgence on my sorry behalf.

I'm so happy today is church, as that is one place I can go and focus on something other than myself. I've said since I started going back to church 3 years ago that it is one of the most peaceful places I go and I'm so lucky I get to go there every single week. I know the "peaceful" part will be ending for a while as I'll have an infant to care for but there's still an element there that I cherish regardless of what hassle I might be dealing with. And SP has always been a dream through the meetings.

I'm going to set a few goals for myself this week as that always helps me change my perspective and help me feel I'm getting back on track.

1) Absolutely finish the nursery - top to bottom including getting all clothes washed, folded and put away

2) Spend 10 minutes in each chaotic room to bring peace back to those spaces

3) Do a full load of laundry every day (DH goes through SO MUCH laundry during the winter)

4) Make sure the kitchen is clean each night before I go to bed

There. Those are easy and shouldn't freak me out too much. Next Sunday I'll let you know how I did.

24 Days and Counting

I'm not the only woman in the world to ever feel as miserable as I do right now. In fact, more women can probably relate to this than I can possibly imagine. And that does not comfort me sadly. I just want this DONE.

I'm finding no joy in anything I do lately. I can't be enthusiastic about anything (except sugar, and we've established that). I'm not sure if I'm falling off my cliff into depression or if I'm just so overwhelmed and stressed out that I've gone numb. Either way, I am devoid of passionate emotions and have lost interest in practically everything.

I've GOT to get that nursery finished though. I think that if the baby came today, she'd at least have a place to sleep and pretty much everything is in there - just a mess, just like every other stinkin' room in this house.

And then there's the financial chaos I'm undergoing right now. I haven't mentioned this before because it stresses me out so much I want to hide under my bed. DH split from the sinking boat that was his former company and has gone out on his own now. It's going okay - okay. But it's a poor economy...and winter and in his line of work, weather means a lot. I'm planning, and have been planning forever to quit my job when the baby comes. Will that be a possibility now? I don't know - and I hate the lack of knowing. Meantime, I'm working as much as humanly possible for being as pregnant as I am, and still having primary caregiving responsibilities for another child. I'm doing my best, and I'm sure it will help but I'm really ready to be done. I'll do what I have to do just and try to feel fortunate that I have the ability to help out right now.

In order to keep myself from slitting my wrists (okay, that was dramatic), I try to do things that I don't want to do. I did some scrapbooking today even though I had no desire. I bought a bookcase and went through all my books remembering how great they all are. I did a church lesson with my daughter and shared in her love of learning. I changed all the sheets on the beds in my house. I spend a few minutes a day in a chaotic room trying to make order. Little things, but they're all I can do. All I want to do.

Will I be even more depressed after the baby? This scares me. My friend Katie remarked that the key is to get out of the house and spend time with adults having good conversation. I know this is true. The hard part is just getting out of the house. I suppose I'll just have to force myself. I'm scared.

Pure Pleasure

I received a bird feeder for Christmas this year from my good friend Kelly. She made it from a gourd and I've been wanting one ever since she started making them about a year ago. She painted it to look like a pear! It's so cute.

As I was looking at the feeder today, I was reminded of James and the Giant Peach. It looks like a HUGE pear hanging from the tree and from a distance, looks quite delicious!

She convinced me to hang it from the tree on a limb right outside my kitchen window so I can watch the birds feed from it all winter. It was a little crazy getting it up that high into the tree (about15' off the ground) but I'm so glad I did. It took about 3 weeks for the birds to warm up to the feeder but the other day I spied my first bird in it and I was so happy! Now, lots of birds regularly flock to the feeder and it bounces and sways all day as birds are in and out of it. I even saw this huge bluejay, about 6 times, attempt unsuccessfully to sit on its ledge and eat from it. I was sort of glad he couldn't so he'd leave the food for the little tiny birds.

Thanks Kelly!

Mindless Chatter

I accidentally took a nap this evening on the couch waiting for SP's bedtime. I woke myself several times by snoring! WTH - I don't snore! I even heard DH tell SP, "Is your mom snoring?" I've been married too long to be mortified - I think I just rolled over (and maybe tooted too), just kidding.

Now, 2 hours later, I'm not tired in the least but sitting here on my bed in as little clothing as I can manage because that's what's comfortable at 35 weeks pregnant, staring at my balloon ankles and feeling hot. And bored.

I don't want to read although I have an excellent book sitting here beside me. I've got several great movies on my computer just waiting to be viewed, and my iPod is stuffed with lots of awesome novels. I could just close my eyes and listen - no effort at all. But no, all I can do is think about sugar.

I want white bread with real butter and sugar - rolled up into a glucose injection. Or brownies. I'd even take a few shots of powdered sugar right now. Or Karo Syrup - YUCK!

I'm thinking about tomorrow and what it will bring. I have 5 Saturdays left of productivity before SHE comes. So much still left to do. Time's flying by. I got a lot done this week already and know I don't have a single day to spare if I hope to have most of what I hope to have done, completed by Feb 18th. I know I should just relax and enjoy the time I have left but my inner freak is freaking out. I remember regretting the lazy days I took prior to SP's birth and how insane my life felt after she came. How I wished I had been more productive and gotten more accomplished because I'm a stress case and can't help it.

Maybe this is my mission on earth - to learn how to not drive myself crazy with high expectations and enjoy the passage of life instead. I think I'll be on earth for a very long time.

Crib's Up

Now that the painting is done in the nursery finally, DH spent part of yesterday putting up our crib. It's lonely right now in that dark room but it will soon be full of all sorts of baby paraphernalia as I bring it up from the storage room.

Today, as I frequently walked down the hall past that room, I'd catch a glimpse of a crib in a room where formerly there was lots of other stuff, and I have to do a double-take. I haven't seen that crib assembled in a room in nearly 3 years!

And to see it set up ready to be used was so surreal, I almost wasn't ready to see it there! I nearly had to close the door for a while until my mind wraps around what's coming so quickly. You'd think I have adjusted by now but I guess I'm still adjusting. Perhaps 9 months gestation is just the right amount of time!

A Little Panicky

We have a ritual around here at night. Most of you with kids probably do. But when the kid bedtime ritual ends, it's me time. Me - just me and either my computer, a movie, a book, my iPod or just bed. The point is, it's all my choice - whatever I choose to do with the remaining hours of the day, it's all mine.

I have 39 of these precious nights left before I make my little "deposit" and a crying infant disrupts nighttime bliss. Does it sound callous? Does it make me seem ungrateful for the desire of my heart? I am so excited for the birth of this kiddo if not just for the sheer relief to have my body back to myself. But I've prayed for this tiny girl for so long and she's almost here.

But let me be human for a moment while I lament saying good-bye for a year or so to consistent, uninterrupted alone time where I am guaranteed to be free from parental obligations for a period of 8 - 10 hours. I'm sure it's not going to be quite that long as I do remember feeling pretty confident in certain schedules by 6 or 7 months but getting to that point can be painful at times.

At least I'm not the attachment parenting type when it could be up to 5 or 6 years before I even get my child to sleep through the night in her own bed. I'd have pulled my hair out long before that ever happens.

Too selfish? Perhaps.

Facebook - The Good & the Bad

You know it's really bad when your belly's so big your laptop doesn't fit ON YOUR LAP anymore. I digress...

Facebook ...

I've been a member for a year or so now and would like to summarize my experiences because they are so varied!

When I first joined, it was a blogger thing. I just wanted another social network device and Facebook seemed like where it was at. No biggie - but soon I realized that people were contacting me - people I knew from long ago. But at first they were just people who contacted me regularly on various social networking engines over the years like classmates.com, hotmail, IM etc.

But then I started getting contacts from other people, some whom I thought had literally dropped off the planet! Some of them I wish had dropped off the planet, others I was astonished that they remembered me, some - just mere acquaintances neither good nor bad, and them some others who I was so genuinely pleased to hear from that I felt like a kid again whenever I read their notes!

And so pretty much everyone falls into one of the above categories. But it's the ones that in the first and last category that have affected me the most. Most of these contacts are from my dreaded high school years and I've discussed those awful years before. Like many people, I had some serious identity and self-esteem issues. Couple those with poignant memories of certain people and it's a deadly combination.

Occasionally I will get in contact with someone who I have a difficult memory of, and the emotional roller coaster I go through for a time is bizarre! Is it better that I never got in contact at all? This has happened several times now! So, this is perhaps the downside of Facebook - having to face demons or memories you'd rather have buried and never deal with again.

On the other hand, I've also found Facebook to be a cleansing, purging experience. A way of reconciling and healing the past over issues you regret. Such an incident happened just today with a friend who I had a falling out with when I was 16 or 17 - over a guy of all things (Scooter was his name - funny). The whole thing is vivid color in my memory - the whole thing and I cringe each time I think of it. But today she said she hardly remembered it and forgave me and wanted to be friends again. There it was - 19 years of guilt and regret gone in an instant over the internet. Don't think I totally dwelled and was stuck on it because I'm an adult and was able to move past it, but I always wondered what would have happened if I hadn't been such a jerk that one time. And it was my fault. Who knows and who cares because now it's over.

That's cool stuff.

The Mom's Food Trick

I'm here. I'm okay. I want to thank all of you who have emailed me to inquire if I'm alright. That was so kind of you. I'm not sure what's wrong with me other than I'm tired, grumpy, and miserable. But...I'm closing in on the big day and that's keeping me going.

The longer I've been away from my blog though, the harder I've found to return so I thought I'd just jump in. So much has happened that I've wanted to share with you but by the time I get around to it each day, I'm so tired I just go to bed.

So my jumping in point is the Mom's Food Trick I finally pulled on my daughter. She is so finicky and refuses to eat even the most benign foods. Tonight I made a fairly basic hamburger stew with potatoes, carrots, celery etc. After it was made, I knew she'd never eat it - she just won't eat those things. So I took several spoonfuls and threw them in the blender and pureed them. Then I poured them into a bowl, added some pieces of hamburger to it and gave it and a roll to her. Problem solved. She loved it - ate it all and had no idea she was actually eating dreaded potatoes and carrots!

There's probably something to that book that Jerry Seinfeld's wife wrote. Maybe I'll go pick it up!